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Wed, Apr. 5th, 2006, 01:23 pm
123456...

Happy Numeric Fun Day! It's officially 1:23pm, 04/05/06. And this day will never come again. I'm at worky-work, so I'll keep it shorty-short.


A modern fable:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


p.s. sobriety is over-rated.

Tue, Mar. 21st, 2006, 07:23 pm
shatter...

I'm breaking grounds.


and the term of stay shall be determined by outside events.

perhaps one the best feelings is the air which cools the sweat from your brow as you clear the high bar of a hurdle you believed was far too far out of your reach.

my reach is broader than I had imagined.
and these fingers run deep.

March tends to be the snowiest month in Colorado. we get storms here that stop schools. kills the trail of learning. always backing out like the four inches of snow will freeze the e-brakes. all hell. this year, though, month three equals enlightenment. in the realm of strengths of the resolve, determination of the mind, endurance of the soul.
tests. the red pen should be flowing freely by now. it's almost nostalgic, except the workload has doubled. however, I have a sneaking suspicion that the payoff will, as well.

we will see.


snow. speed. temptation. perseverance. destiny.






have a good night.

Tue, Feb. 28th, 2006, 01:08 am
shoots, ladders, and other forms of vertical travel...

aka: after the forest but before the clearing...



"And deep in the forest of World where the pine-trees do not grow but instead listen and the animals affect the characteristics of those living around them, a girl emerged, alone and enamored, with the scars of knowledge still wet upon her brow. She held a hammer in one hand, dripping with an intensity that can only result from choices that have been not made but rather ripped from the heart of a Crossroads, caught offguard drinking from the stream of Perception, limitless and wide, with an arrow guided by Luck as much as Determination. She sighed, knowing the path was still only beginning to show itself amongst the brambles of decaying dreams and past illusions."

"There came a moment. Sitting fixed, in general complacency - a soft voice of a frog, singing Rainbow Connection. An article of faith was restored in that moment. It became fluid emotion, reviving the entity that still exists within through a spiritual i.v. into not veins but soul created over two decades ago. This elixir of what allows a bug to be studied by simply looking at it and of the ability to feel the seasons flowed again. She's still here...she's still here."

__________________

Step one: decide what you love. Step two: learn ways to make money doing said love. Step three: Unicorns.

Or, something as unfeasibly vague, I'm sure.




:: /|/| |= |_ /-\ -|- | |_ [ ] \/ |= _\- `/ [ ] |_| ::

Mon, Jan. 23rd, 2006, 06:27 pm
ring finger...

within hours of tears had leaked from my eyes three times; stress and disorganization are apparently two things with which I cannot sanely coexist. it had become apparent that seven or hours of tedious and random duties had to be executed in a span of about four, and I was not being the best at keeping my voice down as I could have been. the last twenty minutes nearly killed me. I was an open wound. isn't it funny how searching for a bandaid can be so exasperating?

and then the guests arrived. and we took stage as the hosts for the evening. and the hors d'oeuvres were made, one by one, and set out on the table. a rosemary baguette with olive oil and crushed black pepper for dipping. fresh carrots and olives. garlic baked crackers with artichoke bruchetta and fire roasted red pepper hummus. red, yellow, and orange bell pepper pieces and green grapes on bamboo skewers. and then dinner. spinach salad with apples, cranberries and currants, sliced almonds, and a choice of raspberry or papaya poppyseed vinaigrette. pasta fresca with fresh tomatoes and bell peppers, basil leaves, olive oil and garlic. and organic, grilled chicken breast (which I didn't have any part in). and they started eating, and drinking and laughing and talking, and then I heard him saying the date.
and everything was so lifted, it's hard to remember the straight line. clapping. something about 'dropping like flies.' and the big question of how it happened. and the run around answer, followed by laughter, and hugs, and more drinking. light. I feel lighter now.

it was a wonderful evening.

Mon, Jan. 9th, 2006, 05:00 pm
faster than a speeding bullet...

My how time flies...




So, Christmas was ridiculously stressful on the outset, but once the day itself arrived, smooth sailing. Mostly food, presents, and a few libations. It's wonderful having moments where you can truly relax and let the present wash over you.

New Year's was phenomenal. We made it down to Vinyl to see Donald Glaude. My words upon his takeover of the turntables: "Dude! I didn't know Donald Glaude was a big black guy!"
So quaint, I am at times.

I think I was asleep by 7:30am that morning, but not by my choice. Sleep, apparently, is never my choice. The first passed with the same ferver as the night before. Little food. Lots of sustenance of another kind. And happiness. And flavors.
And on the second we went snowboarding in the warmest of temperatures to date. The snow suffered only remotely, as it has fallen a few days previous in substantial quantities. And we rode home with smiles on our faces. And then later, my mother told me that my cousin passed away the day before. This tragedy was only made more shocking by the announcement that she was six months pregnant with twins. All three. Gone. She left behind a husband of a few years, a daughter of a couple years, and a mother of three decades without any other children to care for. The word "broken" cannot encapsulate...

And then I was brought around by the prospect of a rather sizeable promotion at work. Friends are getting in touch. The world continues. The worst week (statistically proven) of the year passes us by.

And I have a tooth. Wise, they call it, but I say horseshit. It's more stubborn than wise, and argumentative to boot. The last several months (think: March) have been painful. Now, it's down right unimaginable. Only I don't have to imagine it. Because the excruciating mind-numbing throbbing is part of my head. Yeah. Surgery on Wednesday.

Here's my secret shout-out: mmmmmblaahhh!

Oh, yes, and by the way, I'm married. Just kidding. Or maybe I'm not.



......find out now! Call me!


<3

Mon, Dec. 5th, 2005, 10:34 pm
twenty-four...

god. It sounds so old, already.


usually the comes and goes with minimum amount of fuss. except from me, of course, who will never, in my life, need a loudspeaker.

but this year, I was the quiet one. I wouldn't say I forgot, but, it wasn't too far off. and then there was the din at work, which was pleasant. surprisingly so. and the cards from a few friends who I never would have thought to remember. and gifts from others who surprised me even more. and phone calls from the others. and then there was the trip to Breckenridge. and I love him, mas y mas, avec chaque jour de dépassement.

my job: I cut and paste. I am a cutter and a paster. it has nothing to do with pastries. although sometimes they buy us doughnuts. sometimes, I even wish I could eat them. and I got my first fifty dollar bonus last friday, for "doing a good job." nothing says you're doing a good job like a nice, crisp fifty dollar bill.

the snow in the mountains is incredible. and consequently, there has been a mass cold front moving into boulder county. everything that is not nailed to the ground has blown away. and I'm not being that sarcastic about this one.

my apartment has no heat (for the third year in a row). I'm not sure why, but my hands are always cold, anyway. given the additional prompting, they are ready to snap right off. at least I never have to worry about not having ice cubes.

oh, yes. and I am nearly broke. ha! and you thought it couldn't happen...
I totally need to stop buying snowboard gear. here's a recap, for those of you who missed it, of my purchases for the season, with the newest additions included.

SPOILED:
2006 Never Summer Infinity Snowboard
2005 Salomon Antidote Bindings
2006 Salomon F20 Boots
2005 686 X3 Wmn's Smarty Jacket
2005 Burton Gore Glove Gore-Tex liners
Nixon pink knitted snowboarding beanie (for the warm days)
Volcom brown lined beaned with earflaps (for the cold days)
2006 Jet Black A-Frame Oakley goggles with High-Persimmon lenses
Da Kine silver stomp studs
Da Kine pink studded leather leash


so, for those of you who were perceptive, you might have noticed
that the only thing that isn't on the list of new gear is... pants. I stll have my Roxy pants, but honestly, the only reason I haven't gotten myself new ones is because it's December, and there are so many things I'd like to get people for presents...

(this is where that Natalie Imbruglia song fades in as the picture fades out...
roll credits.)

Sun, Nov. 20th, 2005, 07:30 pm
deserving...

earn: verb to deserve; to gain as a result of one's behavior or effort; acquire, attain, bag, come by, gain, harvest, merit, net, rate, reap, score, warrant.
________________

Oh my.

For the first time, in what seems like a very long time, I can feel again.

Breath eases in and out, in and out, without trembling. No hesitation. Just in. Out. The world which shuddered around me, fading, threatening to disappear, now sits softly, still. Shining. There are smiles again. Warmth and space and belonging. Without urgency. Just moments, one after another, passes quietly along the tightrope of time, with scenic horizons, and the confidence of knowing where the next steps will land. I can keep walking. And this time, I can see exactly where I'm supposed to go.

The white, 4-door, automatic 2006 Nissan Sentra Special Edition had 77 miles on it when I got it. Not seventy-seven thousand. Seventy-seven. And a big red bow.

My work has a feng-shui person for the building. Not someone who works there that happens to have feng-shui as a hobby. An expert, hired specifically and for the sole purpose of monitoring the harmony and energetic balance within the building. And I can feel the difference.

Cats are happy.

The better half is happy.

I am happy.


For the first time in a long time, life is good.

Thu, Nov. 10th, 2005, 11:19 am
be-all, end-all...

"Privacy and security are those things you give up when you show the world what makes you extraordinary."
--Margaret Cho


Despite my greatest efforts, I still find it exasperatingly difficult to maintain a constant state of pessimism.
Somewhere along the line, I fell out of touch with my despondency. Even the bonds of a close and intimate friendship through the majority of my adolescence couldn't ensure that we wouldn't drift apart. Sure, I missed her sometimes; although I would be lying if I said that my college experience was incomplete without her. And for the past month and a half, it's been a blast (in so many senses) catch uping. She's been a constant bedmate, and it's been just like old times. Like we've never even missed a beat.
But people change. The scenery has been interesting, I'll give her that. But I'm starting to resent all the attention. She's rather demanding, and at times, she can be down right militant. Which, I must say, is strange for an emotion that has been thought of throughout the ages as docile and adaptive.

I'm ready to move on. I remember so vividly when I resented the notion of ball-and-chain responsibility. Work. Mortgage. Family. Obligations seemed unescapably restraining. It would indubitably have been more likely that I would get a "SLUTBAG" tattoo across my forehead than submit myself to any authoritative figure that would assume superiority over me in such a way as to curb my freedom. Death by leeches sounded more appealing.
I'm ready to move on. My love for this town will not fade, and I have a sneaking suspicion that one day, I will find myself wandering back here--perhaps not alone--to bask once again in the insurmountability which is Boulder. But for now, each day I linger solidifies a once distant thought on the horizons of my mind. I am changing. And Boulder stays the same. The girls are all 21, but they get younger, and younger. The reigning distaste for responsibility which I once shared now breeds contempt. I view the lack of future-vision as a weakness, no longer a refreshing characteristic. And the overall ethereality which is Boulder's dominant essence now seems, for lack of a better word, vapid.
I want to walk on the ground awhile. I have so many things to do before I pass from this realm. Floating through the clouds is best in small doses. Otherwise, one loses sight of the fact that there is anything else. Anything solid. Anything defined.


I got a job. Now, it's time to begin the rest of my life.

Wed, Oct. 26th, 2005, 12:46 pm
"in a lull..."

"All the immense images in me...
All arise within me to mean you,
Who forever elude me."

--RM Rilke

I am at a 3 right now. It has been draining, tedious, and dark, at best. I will carry on searching for a solution, an answer, begging, pleading, but I fear that there is nothing more I can do to preserve my life as I know it.


I will hold them off, for as long as I can.

Fri, Oct. 21st, 2005, 10:19 am
get to work...

"Attitudes are contagious. Mine might kill you."

Thus ends the third week of my unemployment. I find the irony of my yearning for a place in the cogs of society almost unbearable. Today, I will find out a positive 'yes' or 'no' from a company I have been hoping for (and been interviewed three times for) since last week.

I have sent out over fifty resumes and cover letters at this point. Did I mention my overwhelming love for our President? Economic failure has never looked so plausible.

On other fronts:

-The cat has gotten sick again. The costs for his medical expenses have now exceeded two grand. Let this be a lesson to all those of you who shall ever consider excepting a "free" pet.

-The Thrice show was good. The company was better, though. Been a while since I've seen either of those boys; reminiscense corporeal.

-It's overcast again. I LOVE OVERCAST.

-The gunk in my lungs has persisted for more than a week, now. I feel slightly compelled to go see a doctor, but also slightly compelled to eat. And the way it's lookin' finance-wise, both ain't gonna happen.

-If I get this job, or any job for that matter, I will be acquiring a new (used) vehicle. This is because, though I love my Jeep, I am counting the hours until it seizes up, ceases to start, rusts into oblivion, or explodes. Luckily, I don't think more than two of those things will happen any time soon.


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